Saturday, April 14, 2012

Newark Fireman Runs into City Hall To Help Pass Stalled Bill.

“Then there was chaos all over the Council room, as Simmons entered.”

In what is certain to be an astonishing turn of events, Ralph “Buddy” Simmons, a firefighter of the WEST WARD ENG. 11 / LADDER 11 –located at 345 SOUTH 9TH AVENUE ran into City Hall to help pass a stalled bill.

“I was walking past City Hall on Broad Street, when I heard cries for help coming from the second floor of the building. I ran into the building, without thinking or concern for my own safety,” said Simmons, a 12 year veteran of the Newark Fire Department.

At the time, the Newark Municipal Council members were arguing loudly over a “new ordinance that would impact something or other on the citizens of Newark… their quality of life… from all the yelling and screaming I heard, I know I didn’t have much time to help,” added Simmons.

Councilman Ras J. Baraka was yelling one thing, while Augusto Amador and Donald M. Payne, Jr. were shouting another, according to reports. Then there was chaos all over the Council room, as Simmons entered.

Simmons immediately took control, calming down the frenetic members of Council. He carried both council members Ron Rice Jr. and Mildred C. Crump, over his shoulders out onto Broad Street to safety.

City officials say he was fortunate.

“The outcome was positive but it was a very dangerous decision to make and likely not to be successful if you are untrained and unequipped,” noted city of Newark spokesperson, Julia Garza-Martinez. Simmons was treated for ‘verbosity inhalation’ at the University of Medicine and Dentistry.

Firefighter Simmons is being hailed as a hero for running into the City Hall building to save this Bill. But city officials say that such actions often end badly.

“Laws are like sausages — it is best not to see them being made,” laughed Garza-Martinez.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Acting Governor Kim Guadagno “Giddy” and “Gleeful”.

The Lt. Governor was asked, “to tone down her enthusiasm” just a tad, while acting as governor, in Christie’s absence.

Acting Governor Kim Guadagno could hardly contain herself and was described as acting like a “pre-teen school girl meeting Zach Efron or Justin Beiber for the first time,” as she made several appointments to fill empty seats on state boards.

The state’s first Lt. Governor filled seats on the Governor’s Council on the Prevention of Developmental Disabilities, Middlesex County College Board of Trustees and the State Board of Mortuary Science.

“What do I do now?” asked Guadagno, as she giggled her way through signing off on the appointments —which had already been decided upon by Christie —-before he and his family left for Israel for five days.

Ms. Guadagno was somewhat unfamiliar with the authority of the Office of the Governor, having “never been given this much responsibly before,” noted one undisclosed State Street source.

A few days earlier, on Tuesday, Guadagno pressed the “power button” on what is expected to become one of the 10 most powerful academic supercomputers in the world at Rutgers University. The ceremony marked the opening of the Rutgers Discovery Informatics Institute (RDII), which will house the IBM supercomputer.

“This is just so super awesome—turning on a ‘super-duper’ computer!!,” giggled Guadagno. She even had her press staff ‘update her Facebook page’ to reflect her daily activities as Acting Guv: “I’m the Guv this week! Neat-o keen!”.

The Lt. Governor was asked, “to tone down her enthusiasm” just a tad, while acting as governor, in Christies absence.

“I’m sorry—I just don’t get to do this ‘governor-thing’ too much. This is just so cool,” shrieked Guadagno. To her credit, she did take a more somber tone when appointing the members of the State Board of Mortuary Science.

“I used my ‘serious look’ during that appointment,” noted the Acting Governor, “since they work with ‘death’ and ‘dying’ and stuff.”

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

April 4th, 2012: Christie Has Private Meeting with God To Compare Notes, Leadership Styles

In Exodus 3:14, “And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM.”

Early last year, when questioned by reporters on his insulting and confrontational style, Chris Christie said, “But the fact of the matter is, This Is Who I Am!™, and this is who the people elected.”

Similar leadership style? Same personal points of view?

Christie is traveling in Israel, and the opportunity in a private meeting with Our Lord Thy God to “compare notes, leadership style, political points of view, and other various things that came up at the Wailing Wall.

Christie’s Israel visit could raise speculation that he is positioning himself for a future run, and his trip will be watched by Democrats and Republicans alike.

Israel is a popular stop for American politicians on the rise seeking to bolster their international credibility while also appealing to Jewish constituents.

Speaking to reporters after visiting the Western Wall, the holiest site where Jews can pray, located in the disputed Old City of Jerusalem, Christie played down any political significance of his trip, calling it a chance for him and his family to see the country.

“I came here for one reason and one reason only: to have a private meeting with The Big Guy Himself, and share leadership notes,” shared Christie. The governor said the two had a “really good and fruitful discussion” about regional issues, including Iran’s disputed nuclear program and expanding trade between Heaven and New Jersey. “He’s been around for like forever, and really knows His Stuff.”

Christie is traveling with his family and a delegation of 13 business and religious leaders. While in Israel, he plans to tour a pharmaceutical facility with an interest in expanding to the U.S., participate in a business round-table and visit a school.

“Oh, also Mary Pat and I will go to a great pizza place in Jerusalem on Jaffa Street, that Netanyahu told me has pizza as good as anything at the Jersey Shore.”

Monday, February 20, 2012

Never Fear, Gay Citizens: Ombuds-Man Will Protect Civil Unions In New Jers

Faster than EZ Pass! More powerful than New Jersey Transit! Able to leap the Prudential Center in a single bound!

“Look up in the sky! It's a Rainbow! It’s a Pink Triangle!” “No, it's Ombuds-Man!”

It’s Ombuds-Man! He is a mild-mannered reporter for PolitickerNJ, but when he hears the distressed call of a gay or lesbian couple in need, he dons his rainbow cape and purple mask and swishes off whereever there is civil union trouble.

Secretly, he gets his power from the glowing gold dome at the Statehouse in Trenton, and can never be further away from it than the distance to Bergen County in the north or Cape May in the south.

"I have been just as adamant that same-sex couples in a civil union deserve the very same rights and benefits enjoyed by married couples — as well as the strict enforcement of those rights and benefits," Gov. Christie said. “Ombuds-Man should be able to ensure the state’s civil union law is being followed."

“That’s good, because the real problem is that Gay couples don't know how to be ‘married’ since they are civil-unioned…civil-unionized…civil-unionizationalized. Anyway, ‘Ombuds-Man’ is here to help Gay couples,” noted an unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.

Take ‘Richard’ and ‘Carl’ (not their real names): Recently Ombuds-Man heard their cry for help. When he arrived in their suburban home, they were arguing like an ‘old-married couple’, but were doing it all wrong---because they’ve never been married.
Richard : “Carl always leaves his underwear on the floor.” Carl: “Richard never puts the cap back on the toothpaste.”

Ombuds-Man solved the problem: “Carl, from now on, you go ‘commando’. Richard, you stop brushing your teeth altogether. Problem solved!"

Richard & Carl: “Thank you, Ombuds-Man! You're the greatest! With Ombuds-Man, we'll never need to get married. Who needs to get married when we have --- Ombuds-Man!!!

“No, problem, Gay citizens.’ If your union is un-civil, just call Ombuds-Man, We’ll stop that drivel! Up, up and away! I hear the call of a lesbian couple in Hoboken!”

“Ombuds-Man’s only weakness is ‘pure logic’. Thank goodness you'll not find too much of that in Trenton,” explained the unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Winner Of The Westminster Dog Show Leads In New GOP Poll

In the latest New Jersey presidential poll conducted by Monmouth University pollster, Patrick Murray, 826 likely voters were were asked who they currently support for the GOP nomination for president.

In the poll, 32% indicated they support Westminster Dog Show 2012 “Best In Show” winner Malachy, a Pekingese for the GOP nomination, with Gov. Mitt Romney and former Sen. Rick Santorum with 29% and 26% respectively.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was fourth in the poll at 18%, with Congressman Ron Paul holding steady at 2%. The poll was conducted over the evening of February 14, 2012 and has a sampling error of plus or minus 3 %. With the sampling error, Congressman Ron Paul could have as many as 5% of the vote or -1%.

Les Malkovich of Little Egg Harbor indicated that he would like to see, “a presidential candidate for the GOP who has no problem cleaning his own private parts,” and now he’s not been particularly impressed with Romney, Santorum or Gingrich and their lack of ability in that area.

The Pekingese, or “Peke” (also commonly referred to as “Lion Dog”, or “Pelchie Dog” due to its resemblance to Chinese Guardian lions) is an ancient breed of toy dog, originating in China. The breed was favored by the Chinese Imperial court, and its name refers to the city of Beijing where the Forbidden City resides.

New Jersey State Tea Party Chair Donald Valdis Swartz issued an immediate demand to see “the birth certificate or valid registration papers and dog license,” of the Pekinese so that, “the United States doesn’t have to suffer through another foreign-born elected president.”

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Redistricting Commission Unveils Twelve New Congressional Districts that All Look Like New Jersey

“…this type of redistricting is much easier in “squarer states like Kansas.”

The game of musical chairs that is congressional redistricting progressed late into tonight, with the apparent focus remaining on the elimination of one of three districts in the northeastern part of the state.

But as the third day of meetings continued, there was finally a vote on a new map to reduce the number of New Jersey’s congressional districts from 13 to 12 as mandated by the 2010 Census.

“The new map has twelve districts that all have the shape of New Jersey,” noted former state Attorney General John Farmer, the independent appointee who would have had to cast a tiebreaking vote if necessary.

“And while the Garden State population outside of those Jersey-shaped areas will have no representation in Congress, the map does look much nicer this way.” Farmer also pointed out that “there was none of the usual gerrymandering” that accompanied re-districting in the past.

The chairman of the Republican team, Mike DuHaime, a longtime political strategist, confirmed that this was the “best compromise we could come to…”.

“I think there’s been good progress on both sides. It’s been an open dialogue both between the two sides and with (Farmer),” declared DuHaime. Former Assembly Speaker Joseph Roberts, who is leading the Democrats, agreed. “It’s been intense but somewhat collegial,” mentioned Roberts.

According to the National Commission on Congressional Management, this type of redistricting is much easier in “squarer states like Kansas, Colorado or Wyoming, but tougher in New Jersey.”

Monday, November 7, 2011

Cherry Hill Man Believed He Had To Turn The Clocks Back One Hour Each Weekend

“He was always an hour early to every painting job we hired him for.”

Cory Brodsky, a self-employed house painter, since early June of 2008 firmly believed that “the law required us to turn back the clocks one hour each weekend at 2 AM”.

“I have been doing this ever since the third weekend in June 2008, when I moved out from my parents into my own apartment in Cherry Hill. I thought it was the grown-up thing to do to follow the law, and now I find that I’ve been doing the wrong thing,” noted Mr. Brodsky, with a confused look on his face.

Daylight saving time in several countries is the practice of temporarily advancing clocks during the summertime so that afternoons have more daylight and mornings have less.

Mr. Brodsky, up until this past weekend, was of the mistaken belief that the actual date was October 10, 2010, obviously the effect of turning back the clock one hour each weekend for almost 3 years.

“I have been writing the wrong date on checks. Since I work for myself I didn’t really have to be anywhere more or less on time,” added Brodsky.

However, Brodsky will have trouble adjusting to losing more than a year of his life. “It’s been really weird––over the past year, for me the World Series was in February, Christmas really was in June. The only holidays that seemed to be at the right time were the Jewish holidays of Shavuos and Lag B’Omer––which tend to move around anyway.”

On the bright side, there were some advantages to his mistake. “He was always an hour early to every painting job we hired him for,” said Mrs. Mona Jane Dudek, a 73-year-old resident of Evesham Township, “and he always finished way ahead of schedule.”